


Birthday Bashin'

by jojotier



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Birthday Cake, Earth C (Homestuck), F/F, Fluff and Humor, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Kissing, M/M, Mischief, Multi, POV Second Person, Polyamory, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Romance, Slice of Life, messes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-05-23 14:16:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14935877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jojotier/pseuds/jojotier
Summary: With only 4 hours before Rose's birthday party is a go, Vriska Serket has no cake ready and no present to give her human girlfriend. Thankfully, she has two more matesprits more than willing to step in and help- if she can manage to swallow her pride, that is!





	1. The Mission At Hand

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there! Thank you to the lovely [lesbianprism](https://lesbianprism.tumblr.com/) on tumblr for both this prompt and for winning a little code-breaking contest I had going on! 
> 
> The prompt given was: "what if on earth c it's Rose's birthday and Kanaya, Vriska, and Terezi (maybe also Roxy if u want) planned to get her a cake but they royally fuck it up (either fuck up baking it or handle a bought one shittily). they don't have enough time to get a new cake so they have to scramble and improvise. basically one big clusterfuck."
> 
> While it's been a while since I've written these three, and though this is the first time I've written polyamory, and wow I don't know where this is going, but yeah, I hope you enjoy!!

**_= = > KANAYA: Survey the scene_ **

 

“We can still fix this.”

You stare blankly at the heat based baking container, which is absolutely coated in dripping streaks of almost black batter on the inside. On the stove top and counters, globs of sticky, slightly bubbling frosting in every horrid neon shade imaginable assaults your oculars. In your claws, a piss poor attempt at a slightly melted chocolate sculpture begins to teeter dangerously towards the tile.

Your name is KANAYA MARYAM, design vanguard and proprietor of all things functionally beautiful, and there is a REASON why you usually stick to fabrications, not confections.

“No.” You say, deadpan. You can’t quite bring yourself to pour much more emotion from your thinkpan than that- mostly because you’re relatively certain that you’re rapidly cycling through the five stages of grief far too quickly to grab onto much more than a disenchanted regard. “No, Vriska, we really, really cannot.”

Vriska stands, covered head to toe in flour and a heaping helping of not quite blackened black forest cake goo covering her entire right flank, and has the audacity to try and hide being flustered. “Heeeeeeeey now, no need to give me that look Fussyfangs!!!!!!!! I mean, who caaaaaaaares about the cake part anyway- everyone knows that _real_ thing everyone wants is the frosting-”

“Hey, don’t toss this over my way!” Terezi pipes up, equally bogged down in sugary nonsense. So entrenched was she in eye-searing lambent hues that she can give any trickster the flight of their life, as her sharp-toothed grin is sure to cause even the most candied of fight responses to dissolve like fairy floss. The blue bits bubbling on her hands give you the heebie-jeebies just looking at it, just… writhing there. Why did either of you allow Terezi in charge of frosting again? “We can’t put anything on if there’s no cake to have underneath!!”

“She’s right,” You say as neutrally as you can manage, pan still reeling slightly over whatever the fuck kind of whirlwind of nonsense the three of you are caught in, “And if I recall correctly, the entire end result is supposed to take its name after the base. A fine coat is nothing without a voluptuous body to be suited to its fitted curves.”

“Uggggggggh, can we not wax poetic now?” Vriska groans, running a floury hand down her slightly blackened cheek. “Is now really the time for some perfumey bullshit, Kanaya?”

“No. It isn’t,” You admit blankly, “but it may be the only thing keeping me from flying horn first off the fucking handle.” Above you, some of the leftover chocolate you used just moments before drips from the ceiling and onto your horns. Your eye twitches.

Terezi frowns, but quickly covers it up with an uneasy little laugh as she says, “Look on the brighter side of things!” She then walks over to where you’re standing, and you realize too late that you’re illuminating again. If you didn’t love both Terezi and Vriska so, so dearly, you would punched someone’s lights out for that stupid pun. And then punched your own lights out for that one. Because now you can’t mentally stop yourself. “.... we’re blaming yoooooooou if this doesn’t work out.”

“Hey!!!!!!!!” Vriska barks out, affronted, “This isn’t _all_ my fault! Yoooooooou two are **accomplices** to the crime!” Terezi gasps, hand coming to rest on her rainbow soaked chest. “You are!!!!!!!! YOU TWO are here in the kitchen, equally covered in sugary crap!”

“Why did I let you talk us into this…” You cover your face, heaving out a sigh. It’s a miracle and a half, really- especially since your gift to Rose is only almost finished. “None of us know how to _bake,_ Vriska.”

“And I’m blind!” Terezi chimes in, and you both turn to look at her pointedly.

“As if that’s stopped you from anything before.” Vriska scoffs.

“You can taste letters, Terezi.” You remind her.

“The point still stands!”

“Listen, we still have a few hours, riiiiiiiight?” Vriska says, holding up a hand determinedly, “We still have time-!” You are… rather tired right now. And Rose shouldn’t have to come home to a kitchen partially ruined. Not for the third time this month, and definitely not on her birthday.

“All I know is that I can’t smell anything other than a candied fruit cocktail right now!” Terezi shrugs. “I’m basically out until things are cleared up here.”

“I refuse to even look one partially melted white chocolate ocular in its full spherical horror for a second time, Vriska.” You say, because you. Can’t manage that again. There’s only so far your artistic skills can go, and sculpting actual facial features out of candy is pushing way farther than anyone is capable of imagining.

“Well, we caaaaaaaan’t let Crocker and that cherubic green gremlin beat us out by delivering the better cake!!!!!!!!” Vriska declares, trying to stand up tall, as if this was some declaration of war and not turning their shared matesprit’s wriggling day into a competition at the last fucking moment.

“Are you serious right now, Vris??” Terezi asks, turning her head in the general direction of Vriska and ending up staring at least five feet to her left. She frowns in a way that somehow can be described as _loudly,_ despite flapping seed guzzlers not being able to make much sound in the first place. “This was for Rose!!! Remember! Our entire human girlfriend!”

“Vriska,” You gently say, “Vriska… you absolutely stunning example of a moron, you have to realize that you can’t just. Out bake a master class baker. Without ever having picked up any recipe not pertaining to prepackaged wheat based soup worms. Right? Please tell me somewhere, in the vast expanse of your porous cranial plates, you realized that this was a futile endeavor.”

Vriska coughs, still standing ramrod straight, as if a nice posture pole placement would completely detract from this entirely stupid thing. “Well!!!!!!!! I figured that between the three of uuuuuuuus, we could handle it!”

“You had us plan for a five-tier chocolate cake with lots of rainbow tentacles and a full sized chocolate figure of Rose on top,” Terezi snorts a bit, unable to keep down a bit of a grin, “There was _no way_ we were getting this done.”

You turn to your other girlfriend, somewhat vexed. “And despite knowing, you STILL talked me into these shenanigans?!”

“Yeah!!! It was funny!” Terezi giggles a little, a normally endearing- if somewhat maniacal- gesture. Now she reaches up to sling an arm around your shoulder, leaning into your side. She’s still cold as hell, but you can weather the sapping of your warmth. “Besides, I already have my present for her done- it’s not like I have much to lose here!”

“I’m behind now.” You say impatiently, fingers twitching. Now you’ve been doing this for about an hour now… with no payoff. Wonderful. “I still need to attend to the embroidery of the sleeves- which will take me an hour or so yet.”

“Hehehehe, well, what had you waiting ‘Naya?” She leans further into you, sharp cheek and even sharper hipbone digging into your flank.

“I was just…! A little distracted at times is all…”

“It can’t be that much you have left-”

“Oh, but it might break the whole look… so if-”

“-Idon’thaveanyt’ing.”

You and Terezi both stop and look to Vriska after she finally re-enters the conversation, staring. “I beg your pardon?” You say.

“I don’t HAAAAAAAAVE a present yet!!!!!!!! Alright?!”

“Beg Rose’s pardon, more like.” Terezi snorts, eyebrows slowly raising. “Holy shit Vriska, we’ve only known for a full human year-”

“Hey, shut up! I’m a busy god damn person, got that? Sorry if getting a useless knickknack or whatever that she probably won’t look at in a week wasn’t exactly hiiiiiiiigh on my list.” She crossed her arms over her chest, nose turning upwards. “I just had other things to do! That’s all!”

Terezi suddenly grins, tilting her shades down, as if to try and give a wink wink nudge in the direction just beside Vriska, “Oh I get it- hehehehehehe… I bet you secretly went around to like, a thousand different stores to try and find something suuuper amazing to _impress_ Lalonde, and then when you didn’t find anything immediately, you gave up in frustration and forgot about it all until just now!! Hehehehe woooooooow Vriska, that’s really sad-”

“I wasn’t trying that hard!!!!!!!!” Vriska says, voice pitching up slightly. The light blue on her cheeks says otherwise, and this scene would normally be perfect for you to indulge in some light-hearted teasing- if the lot of you weren’t wasting precious time. “Not like I neeeeeeeed to try that hard or anythi-”

“Ladies,” You say, holding up the hand that isn’t utterly covered in lightly colored white chocolate, “we’re still in dire need of a cake… and Vriska is in dire need of a present for Rose. May we save the general bullfuckery until later after our sacrifices are laid out for the appeasement of the new year of life that our mutual beloved is facing?”

“See, this is why you’re my faaaaaaaavorite matesprit,” Vriska says, coming close to your side and pressing her even _colder_ body into you. You know your bioluminescence gives off a nice little warmth to assist your dear mammalian Rose in warming these two up, but this is just getting ridiculous. Your outfit was ruined already- with one side absolutely covered in horrific neon and the other caked in alternating black and white, you know you may as well throw it away, and spend the next few days scrubbing your skin to boot. “You get right to the point! You know, when you aren’t dancing around shit with like eighty liiiiiiiines of exposition or whatever-”

“Don’t give me that flattery, Serket- I’m rather cross with you at the moment.” You say, but you only mean it a quarter of the way. You know that she really does care, and really does want to do something nice for Rose- in that overly ornery, compensatory way of hers. Even if she tries to pawn most of the work onto others still, it’s the thought that counts. “And if you’re having us help, you’ll be going along with the irons in _my_ fire.” You wrap both your arms around both your matesprits, squeezing a little bit. A little bit on the tight side, for Vriska.

“Riiiiiiiight, my dear, sweet, devilishly ravishing Vriska?” You glance at her and smile, but you don’t feel the need to disguise what kind of smile it is. You squeeze a little harder and Vriska tenses. If she’s about to say something, she doesn’t get the chance to, because Terezi’s phone goes off.

After a few seconds of the Cotton Eye Joe Gregorian Chant Nightcore Hardcore Remix (Bass Boosted, ft. Airhorns), Terezi fishes her phone out of her pocket and answers it, completely oblivious to both yourself and Vriska’s eyes on her. “Yeah Rose? What’s up?”

There are a few seconds of silence, and then Terezi says, “No, everything’s going pretty well here!! We were just dicking around, mostly.” A couple of seconds pass. “What, no! Come on Lalonde, have some more faith in us than that!!! How could you accuse me, your most loyal, flushed mushed matesprit, of unmitigated hijinx?? Tsk tsk!! I was hoping for more from you after I gave you my cutest Licentious Lavenderclaw, no less!”

A few more seconds, before Terezi cackles into the receiver, grinning. “Alright alright, I’ll tell them- you have fun with those dorky losers you call friends. How haven’t you decided to go find the most expensive landbound keratin carriage and ditch them for some cooler friends again?” She giggles and then says, “Alright, fair. We are kinda awful an’ lame. But so are you, and so are your friends. And since you’re awful with us, it’s all- how the humans say- “Gucky”.” The fact that Terezi so purposefully mispronounces “Gucci” makes you want to scream into the nearest feather-fluffed spring platform decoration.

“Yeah yeah, I love you too you sap. Bye.” Terezi looks back at the both of you. “.... She’ll be here in ten minutes.”

“What.” You say, suddenly somewhat faint.

“ **What,** ” says Vriska, still both cake-less and gift-less.

Terezi nods seriously before her face erupts in a wide grin, teeth glittering at the both of you. “Hehehehehehehehe! Got you!” You’re about to heave a sigh of relief when Terezi says, “... She’ll actually be here in fifteen minutes.”

“Wow, an entire five extra minutes- thaaaaaaaat’s sure to help!” Vriska says, finally managing to wiggle away from your hold. You release Terezi and step back, reaching one miraculously clean palm up to dig slightly into your ocular. “Doesn’t she remember that the party’s supposed to be _later?!”_

“Oh no, she remembers alright!! She said something about wanting to see us all again, though- before she got ‘swept away into the suffocating embrace of social bonds’. As long-winded as ever.” Terezi huffs out a bit.

“Either way, we better hurry up and start cleaning- and get someone to distract her when she comes through the door.” Yeah, there’s no way in hell you’ll be able to erase all traces of this abject failure in the time allotted. Even if it’s all three of you- there’s too much sticky bullshit all over the stove and oven area, and the little wayward granite isle that once held the hopeless skeleton of a sculpture doomed to suffer hideous deformity had crumbled to delicious, chocolaty dust. At the very least, you and Vriska can immediately look at each other and agree on who the distraction ends up being.

“Terezi.” Vriska says.

“Terezi.” You agree. “You’ll have to be the one to distract Rose when she comes- we may not have time to get cleaned up and out of all three of us, you’re the least suspicious when covered head to toe in monstrous neon sludge.”

Oh come on, you need me to go sweet talk our girlfriend so you two can go pretty yourselves up? That’s what’s happening?” Still, Terezi grins and gives in almost suspiciously easily, shoulders shaking a little in laughter. You have almost no time to read into this. “But yeah, sure!! I don’t mind- I’m _very_ persuasive, and besides, it’ll help your defense if I’m the one buttering her up! Hehehe!”

You lean down and, after wiping a little of the candy red shit coating Terezi’s mouth, quickly give her a little peck. As expected, she tastes so revoltingly sweet and strawberry like that just that one brush of lips against hers will be more than sufficient to become your main source of sustenance in the coming days, complete with a complimentary disease to your bioluminescent based cardiovascular photosynthetic supplementary organ. “You truly are a lifesaver, then.”

“Oh Kanaya, I’m _always_ happy to help out my poor, sweet matesprits,” Terezi grins with far too many teeth and yeah, you know something is up now, by the way that smile is going. But you have no time to dwell on it, already running some water in the sink to hopefully speed through cleaning this absolute ruin that used to be your kitchen.

Twelve minutes later (mostly spent ignoring Vriska trying to steal a kiss from you- it’s not only a bad time for it, but also you’re still cross with this entire situation, so she’ll just have to sulk and wait before you put your mouth near her mouth), the front door opens. By then, you’ve managed to get the oven mostly gutted of its new, thin chocolate cake batter blood; Vriska has taken care of the little spots on the ceiling where frosting and chocolate had been flung to the heavens; Terezi had even managed to get dishes mostly hidden in the dishwasher.

The kitchen looks to be in far better shape than when you all started, but there’s still sticky residue all over the inside of the oven, which likely won’t bode well for if it’s used. The remnants of a milk chocolate finger sit disembodied next to what you had been trying to turn into a white chocolate batch of curls, and still, the neon stains shine fluorescent on the counter. And you all are still sticky, clothes ruined beyond compare.

From the front, Rose ostentatiously announces her arrival with the call of, “Hello, sweethearts! I’m home and ready to see you all…” You know for a damn fact that that means she knows something’s up, and none of you will be safe until she’s sufficiently distracted.

You call back, “Just a moment, love! We have a few calls to make!” Then, you look at Terezi, nodding. “That, Terezi, is your cue. The spotlight’s all yours- please use your stage presence wisely and, most importantly, to our advantage for the moment. This depends on you.”

“Will do! Try not to drag your asses too long in here, ‘kay?” Terezi giggles a little under her breath before practically shooting out of the room, cackling quietly under her breath the whole way. Your hand finds itself back onto your cheek. It’s quite odd, how the magnetic properties of your entire face have seemed to exponentially increase over the course of this little foray into frenzied birthday preparations.

“God, I hope she isn’t planning something…”

“Hey wait, Fussyfangs- what do you mean, we have calls to make?” Vriska speaks up from over where she’s scrubbing suds on the counter and her own wrist to try and get a particularly stubborn shade of green out. “That was just an excuuuuuuuuse… right…?”

“No. It wasn’t nearly an excuse, my dear.” You say, turning a slow smile back on Vriska. After all this is over, you sorely hope that the next time she pulls a stunt like this (which, considering your matesprit, is not only entirely possible but is almost a certainty) that she won’t drag you into it. Or if she does, that she’ll at least wait until you’re done with your own last minute preparations. If this can give you some time to get some of those preparations done… Well, beggars can’t be choosers, when a procrastinator is running low on time to work. “There’s simply no way that the both of us will get much done alone.”

“I don’t see why not!” Vriska says, scrubbing a little harder, “We just have to call a bakery and-”

“A cake is no easy thing, and it needs time to be done, most of all. Strings must be pulled- and you must find a way to find an additional gift.” You say, straightening up a little. “So, we’re going to call Karkat.”

“Are you _kidding_ me?!” Vriska says, voice pitching up slightly with that bratty tone you love to hate. “Why do we need to bring _him_ into it? He’s going to be pissy already, especially if he’s still planning that party asshole matesprit of his- the next wriggling day, not the one he just had yesterday." It's so fucking stupid, the kind of tizzy Karkat works himself up over every year, trying to organize shit for Dave.

“Because, if you don’t remember, Karkat happens to be the most alarmingly bureaucratically savvy of the lot of us, and he _truly_ has a lot of irons in the fire. He likely has a list of businesses and the like and probably is personally acquainted with a few. Particularly if he’s working on Dave and Dirk’s party.” You say rationally as you throw away the last bits of disgusting, partially melted chocolate. “And let’s face it- if you mean to have your monstrosity of a cake realized, you’ll need all the help you can get. Which means Jane is the exact next person you’ll call.”

“I beg your fucking _pardon-”_

“Beg.” You deadpan. “If you have to. Remember Vriska, you only threw yourself in this hole- unless you’d like to unhand that sponge and walk out to the living room right now? We all can sit down and you can explain the fact that you’ve gotten Rose **nothing.** But you **meant** to, and it’s the thought that counts- _right?”_

Vriska stares at Kanaya for a moment, before a flush rises to her cheeks. “Dammit… you’re really twisting my arm here, Maryam,”

You draw a little closer, leaning down a little. “You act as if you don’t like when I do that.”

“I don’t! At least, not when we’re doing something normal like this,” Vriska hisses a little.

You can see her about to say something else, but you think that’s enough on that subject, so you finally kiss her to quiet her down. For a long moment, you keep your lips against hers, despite the fact that she tastes like skin and a slightly disgusting aftertaste of way too much salt. God, you wish you monitored what the hell she threw into that cake batter… Then you pull away, wiping your own mouth a bit.

“It’s very much appreciated, my _darling_ Vriska.” You smile, reaching into your pocket for your phone. “Now then… shall we go someplace more private, so we may begin?”


	2. SOS: Bring In The Romance Expert

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha damn, sorry for taking so long to update this- i got hit with a lot of work and school and other interests and it took me far too long to get this written
> 
> Still!! I hope you enjoy, especially since the last chapter is the actual party! It's gonna be posted on Rose's bday, bc honestly, who doesn't want a little seasonal lalonde love?
> 
> Thanks for reading!

**_= = > VRISKA: Swallow your goddamn pride for once and just make the calls_ **

 

And what, get your totally fool proof master plan all twisted by some random loooooooosers? No thanks,

 

**_= = = > VRISKA: Make the calls. Be your girlsprit matefriend’s best lover. Save her wriggling day._ **

 

Oh come on, that’s no even a fair assumption-! You still can save this shit, okay. You so totally have this. You are like, the epoch of birthday magic or some fancy shit. By yourself, maybe with Kanaya, if that.

This narrative overtone? Stupid. So fucking stupid. A dumbass framing device made for stupid wriggler writers who still shit hard in their baby ass cloth shit sacks. You and no one outside of this are ever going to acknowledge that it even happened after all this is said and done. Who would even take the time to open anything with this simultaneously self agrandizing and self deprecating display of bullshit? Absolute idiots with no creative potential, that’s for sure.

 

**_= = = = = > VRIKSA: Bruh. _ **

 

_What? It’s true! Don’t tell me I hurt some omniscent fuckwad’s little feeeeeeeelings, did I?_

 

**_= = = = = = = = = = = > VRISKA: Just Make The Damned Calls Or I Swear To Human Fuck_ **

 

_Uuuuuuuugh FINE._

Your name is VRISKA, and dammit, your matesprit’s got your arm twisted here. If you weren’t the person she’s coercing, you would’ve been proud as fuck- taught her everything you know, look at your flighty broad grow up, whatever the fuck else. But you are the person whose arm she’s twisting, and not in a sexy way either. You’re pretty goddamned miffed about that.

You kind of can’t complain, though- not only because of vampiric strength pinning your sword arm to your back with gentle, persuasive force but also because societal niceties for once have their shitty hold on you.

And normally, you don’t care!!!!!!!! Not in the slightest! Society can suck your bulge and bottom out with its bloodpusher in its ass for all you care about appealing to ‘niceties’ on a day to day basis, okay. You’re not only a god, but you’re one of _the_ Gods who presided over this societal shit that you had a hand in creating. You are like, eighty leagues above that shit.

But. There’s no way to fly away from this one. The kitchen’s still hiding a mess, Terezi is cackling so loud in the living room that you can hear the notes stick to her skin where it’s still absolutely caked in neon sludge, and there’s no cake for everyone.

Rose still needs a present.

You grip the SPIDERSILK SCREEN SHEEN ECLECTIC ELECTRIC BLUE BUG-ALOO phone case clad iphone you alchemized for yourself after you figured out Dapple (Dersite Apple) cells were pieces of shit. You also try not to grip _too_ hard, because the phone case is actually made of fine threads of interwoven blue spider silk and would probably shatter if you so much as punctured one tiny pinprick in it. Which, admittedly, miiiiiiiight have been a slight oversight in the alchemization process, but like, it fits your aesthetic, so you keep it. This will obviously have no prepurcussions whatsoever later on and you decide not to even pay attention to it, even though attention was pretty much guaranteed to it. This has been going on too long, you think, maybe. It’s still a bitching phone case, tho

“Vriska.” Kanaya intones, eyes narrowing into thin slits as her fangs are unconsciously bared. You gotta admit, that’s… kiiiiiiiinda hot. “Your repentance awaits no one but yourself, dear.”

“I geeeeeeeet it, I get it,” You roll your eyes, trying to squirm away. Kanaya lets go of you, but looms overhead.. “I was just-! Trying to remember his number! Don’t rush things, Maryam, that’s all heeeeeeeells of rude-”

“Need I remind you that our girlfriend’s wriggling day enjoyment already hangs in the balance?”

“I know that!!!!!!!! I know! But now look what you did; now I forgot his number, so I have to rethink it aaaaaaaall again-”

“Karkat’s number is already on the phone,” Kanaya says, and even if the tone is patient, you know for a goddamn fact that Kanaya’s patience is so paper thin that it’s close to shattering in two. Breaking it would probably be as bad an idea as making flip phones where both sides are screens just so that the glass piece of shit planes bang and crack together. “But, if my poor, sweet, innocent, naive, _lovely_ matesprit has suddenly lost all knowledge of cellular device operation, I would be happy to go over it step by step, in **excruciating** detail.”

Fuck. You can deal with being manhandled a little, can deal with a few scathing remarks- but being talked to death? That’s just cruel as shit! You know for a goddamn fact that Kanaya has a perfumey trap already- if she says she’s going to be doing any kind of talking and make it excruciating, then that essentially necessitates that you, as a person, are fucked beyond all recognition. If you don’t move now, Kanaya is going to talk you through in as many words as possible, and you reaaaaaaaally don’t wanna deal with that. You quickly go to contacts and call Karkat.

It rings for a moment, and then the first thing you hear when it’s picked up, before you can even open your mouth is, “NO, AND FUCK YOU VERY MUCH.” Oh, classic Karkat! What a fucking charmer!!!!!!!! As charming as a swarm of angry flaming poison hivemind insects in an undersized trenchcoat. You almost miss talking to him. Then you think back to your time on the meteor and think, no you don’t.

“Heeeeeeeey ‘Kat, how’re you doing?” You say, leaning slightly against your tall, long-limbed tree of a matesprit. You are like, the epitome of awesome right now, thank you very much. You can do this. Just gotta finagle and needle your way in, get Karkat to do what you need. It’s almost like mind control! Except, not at all, because mind control is a total villain thing and you’re reformed times eighty-eight, so gentle persuasion was the way to go. “Damn, you never taaaaaaaalk to me anymore! It’s a real shame, I feel like I’ve been missing your streams of shit voice cascading over everything-”

“Hey Vriska!” Karkat interrupts, like the tool he is. “NOT THE FUCKING TIME. I have boat plans to launch, itineraries to pen, a thousand and one invites to go- I don’t have time for your insipid bitching slithering through and liquefying my auditory sponges!! Do you even realize how hard it is to design a rap-powered fucking b-” There’s a sharp bang from over the line, along with a couple of very colorful curses that maybe you’re impressed by, maybe not, who can say, and he shrieks into the phone at full volume, “DAVE’S PARTY IS NEXT YEAR, JACKASS-”

“Jesus Karkat, take a fucking pill.” You tell him, talking over him. “Not even juuuuuuuust a chill pill- like, any pill, or maybe an edible or some shit? Calm the fuck down-”

“I WILL TAKE NO SUCH DRUGS, FUCK YOU.” A series of overtly comical bangs and honks sounds from over the line, along with a few other cartoonish sound effects and Karkat screaming in utter rage. You don’t even have the phone to your ear anymore, because Karkat is so loud Kanaya can hear him even off speaker. Holy shit, does this asshole’s lung capacity ever end?

“Then like, some tea- literally, can you shut the fuck up for oooooooone second, I’m trying to-”

“And I’M TRYING to DO SOMETHING too!! Isn’t that just a jolly fucking COINCIDENCE! Bring in the goddamn human flesh balloon covered in the reddened fur of whatever kringlefucker he stole the mat out from under because I think Christmas came early this year! And it’s shitting this entire insipid interaction from the bowels of Human Claus’s nethers! Lucky FUCKING me-”

“Karkat h-”

“I’M NOT DONE-”

“Well I’M not done eiiiii-”

“If you do the eight thing one more FUCKING time I am going to-” Okay, fuck it. You think maybe some mind control isn’t all thaaaaaaaat villainous if it can cut this conversation short and save both of you the fucking screaming match. That, and your ears can only take so much. You focus on Karkat’s mind, running at about a zillion miles an hour, and stop that shit in its tracks. Kanaya looks at you, alarmed, as the voice on the other line goes silent. “...”

“Now I’m gonna let you oooooooout of this,” You say slowly. “And you’re going to at least fucking listen. And calm your shit for at least five minutes.” You aren’t going to go as far as making him do what you want- that’s boring. That was like, soooooooo last few sweeps. But you also recognize that you can’t actually finagle anything on your own merits if the little angry squeakbeast you’re fairly sure is running around this asshole’s pan is causing him to take on the general properties of a fucking banshee.

You don’t wait for verbal confirmation and let his pan go. Beside you, Kanaya lets out an almost silent sigh of relief. Karkat is quiet for a moment before he gruffly says, voice dripping with anger, “What the fuck is it.”

“Well hey! Glaaaaaaaad to see that you’re back to your senses!” You say, because thank God, you can actually focus on what’s important. This shit you gotta do here. This is all for Rose, and you think she better be damn grateful at all the shit you’re putting up with here for her. The things you do for love… “Now as I was saaaaaaaaying before you flew off the handle, we don’t tal-”

“What the fuck do you want, Vriska?” Karkat says, and you can tell its through clenched teeth. He’s struggling not to yell. Well good on him for getting his shit together! Even if you heeeeeeeelped a bit. “I’m working here and I don’t have the time to deal with this.”

“Well, I just need one teensy, tiny little favor-”

“Oh, of course- wouldn’t have expected any fucking different. Fuck you-”

“Hey wait-!”

“I’m working, so it’s gonna have to wait until after Rose’s party-”

“I said WAIT a fucking second!”

“I’m hanging up now.” And you panic a little, because you definitely don’t think you’ll be able to get away with using your mind control twice here with Kanaya in the room, and shit, you actually need his input- Dammit all.

“BUT-”

“Fuck you- I don’t have to keep talking to you, you know, especially when you only call for shit like th-”

“It’s a ROMANCE EMERGENCY.” You finally cede. You need to get across to Karkat how dire the situation actually is, because if he waits until Rose’s party- then shit, you won’t have a cake, and possibly not even a present, and then Rose will probably passive-aggressively avoid you for WEEKS because she’s disappointed in you and then you’ll get dumb and mushy and want to try and make it up to her or some SHIT. God, you hate romance. You hate being in love. This is all so dumb-

“Well, shit,” Karkat says, suddenly legitimately calm even with the annoyance in his voice, “why didn’t you just say so in the first place? What’s the emergency? Is Kanaya okay. Did Terezi fuck up a card? Is there something with Rose-”

“Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up!” You say, and is this taking the 8s quirk too far? You think not. “Listen, we just… don’t have a cake for Rose, and the party’s in a few hours, and I maaaaaaaay or may not need to pick something out-”

“Jesus, really Vriska?” Karkat scoffs, and you feel that scorn. If you didn’t immediately need his help, you’d probably go over just to find a way to immediately get back at Karkat. But you can’t do that. Because he’s about to do you a favor, and all in the name of a romance emergency. Fuck this guy. “You only had an entire year- and she’s your GIRLFRIEND. Why the hell don’t you think this shit through-?”

“Heyyyyyyyy, hey now, let’s not get so caught up on specifics!” You say, and he gives some derisive sound into the phone that really pisses you off. He’s spent way too much time around Strider- he didn’t use to make quite so many scoffing motions as much as he did annoyingly smug and insistently frustrated ones. “Listen- I need you to get a cake done by the time of the party, maybe contact some of those special bureaucratic connections you have! Make it up to be really nice, as a gift for an old pal-”

“I don’t have any special bureaucratic connections to anywhere specifically- bakeries don’t do bureaucracy, numbnuts,” Karkat berates you before rifling through something. “But here, just so you don’t get your shitty knickers in a goddamn twist the size of your dumbass ego- I’ll get Jane and Calliope, maybe contact a couple of places I know, grab Aradia, and you can go get that last minute gift you should’ve gotten like ages ago instead of waiting until the last fucking second like she’s some schoolfed assignment due in thirty minutes with the threat of the imperial headmaster biting your head off.” Karkat huffs. “And remember Serket- you fucking owe me.”

“Yeah yeaaaaaaaah, I owe you loads, thanks a ton and eight halves,” You roll your eyes, but internally you’re dying a little. Karkat is probably not gonna let you live this shit down for a long time to come. Eternity can’t go by soon enough.

“.... Eight halves is just four, dunkass.”

You think this over. Shit. You decide to just hang up instead of say anything to that.

“See?” Kanaya says pleasantly, looking down at you with a sweet smile. Your face twists. You love her, but at the same time- having to deal with that? Without even a peep from Fussyfangs McMeddlesome Meddler? That was like, such a disproportionate punishment for all this shit!!!!!!!! Completely unjustified. If Kanaya had called, at least he would’ve been on board without throwing his bitchfit. “That wasn’t so bad, was it.”

“Yes it was, and I hate you.” You mumble, and Kanaya leans down a little to pull you close into a hug. You try to stay stubbornly and not do anything, arms crossed over your chest as you brood. Not sulk. You don’t sulk! Sulking is for little immature bitchwrigglers with their screaming tooth traps tuned to the highest volume- brooding is much more cool and adult. Everyone loves a brooding hero.

“No you don’t,” Kanaya says, kissing your head, “You can’t hate me- I happen to be too dashing and otherworldy a specimen to hate.” Fuck. You can’t argue with that. You sag forward into the hug and leans yourself back into Kanaya, relaxing. “But before anything, we should clean up. We’re still covered in shit.”

“Yeah, we are.” All the batter and chocolate from the previous chapter was still sticking to your skin. It dawns on you to ask, “Waaaaaaaait. Why didn’t you have us wash off before you made me go through this bullshit?”

Kanaya looks at you, thinking for a moment. Then, sheepishly, she admits, “I thought you might try to abscond through the bathroom window.”

You glare up at Kanaya, not admitting that you really hadn’t thought that far. Damn. You should have thought of that- diving out the window would’ve been a damn good way to go and carry out this plan without having to come to the cake problem. Instead you say, “Well, you got me now- and IIIIIIII’m not gonna go out looking like this.”

“We’ll share a shower. Saves more time.” Kanaya nods, beginning to move towards the hall. Your eyebrows raise.

“Hey, if you think we have the tiiiiiiiime-”

“We don’t.” Kanaya deadpans, stopping dead in her tracks just to give you a look over her shoulder. “I meant just what I said. We share the shower, get in and out, and get going.” She starts walking again, and you follow, huffing a bit. Damn, is Kanaya ever in a mood- won’t even take a little disingenuous joke! Not that you were being completely disingenuous, if she was into that. She looks over her shoulder at you, then, and says, “... But maybe later.”

Well, damn. There’s another thing to look forward to, then.

  
**_= = = > TEREZI: Distract_ **

Rose's eyebrows raise slightly. Of course, you don't see this, because you're still very much blind. You do, however, feel this, because at the moment you have your hand laid gently over Rose's face.

Your name is TEREZI, and by God are you the master of secrecy. The keeper of secrets. It is you. No one will ever be the wiser, least of all yourself, lacking eyes as you are. Except, you will be, because this is a piss poor distraction and you know it. Not that you're really working on passing off as a  _good_ distraction in any case. 

Rose, who is suitably dramatically laid out on the blackberry purple couch, looks up at you with some bemusement. You feel her eyes on you. Or amusement, as you soon hear from her voice. "Terezi, sweetest... what in the thousands of threadlike municipalities of paradox space are you buried in."

"Clothes, mostly!" You say jokingly, a grin coming over your face. You lick your lips a bit, tasting a shit ton of sugar and blue raspberry fudge. You... can't exactly smell shit like this. And hell, it was always more distracting if you were covered in rainbow drinker bile, so may as well play it up!! Even if that means you have to feel around the walls, the couch, and now inevitably, your human girlfriend's face. You hear Rose sniff at you. 

"You smell like you crawled out from the ball pits of a particularly insane clown," Rose says, chuckling. "Where did you even get all this frosting?"

"From the ball pits of a super fucked up clown- you said it yourself!"

"Well, it was merely a suggestion- that doesn't necessarily mean I'm right."

"Doesn't mean you're wrong either,"

"So..." You feel Rose sitting up, one hand wrapping around your wrist and pulling you down with her, " _Why_ exactly are you covered in frosting."

"The clown said chicks dig it!" You feel the vibrations through the floor of your two other matesprits sneaking by and lean to the left juuuuuust a bit, just enough to cover a view of the hallway. At least. You think the hallway is in that direction? You don't actually know. Bluh, why did you keep all this sugary crap  _on_ you?! You can't smell where anything is! It's just all sugar!

"Oh yes, that explains everything," Rose says sagely, a smile in her voice, "The long-elusive knowledge hitherto unknown to me has come to light, igniting the fire of culture deep in my heart. The truest ritual of seduction, according to clowns, is to smother oneself in rainbow confectionaries and promise to give the object of your affections diabetes. I do believe my loins have begun to ignite at this very moment. I may just faint back, right here, and," She suddenly sags, pushing you away slightly. You can't help but laugh a bit- even if you kinda lose track of where Rose goes. 

"I see it now- the closen was right! My colorful sugarified charms are wooing you- soon, the only thing able to fill your cavity is going to be  _me!_ Hehehe,"

"Wait, pause the melodrama," Rose says, placing a hand on your arm. "That one was bad. Really bad, Terezi. Your puns will kill me far before the extended sugar high will."

"Aw, what? What's wrong Rose? Just don't have the sweet tooth for me?" You cackle a bit more, grin widening. You wish you could taste something other than sugar. After today, you are swearing off sweet shit for  _weeks._.... Okay not weeks, but it'll be at least a day! Maybe even two days! Before you can do this again. 

"No. That's enough. Mercy." Rose intones, head tipping back slightly. 

"What're you gonna do about it, huh?"

"I suppose I'll have to shut you up, won't I?" 

And, of course, it's sealed with a kiss. When Rose pulls away, she pats your face, mumbling, " _Bluh._ Too much sugar..."

"Well, blame Vriska. You know how she is!" You snort a bit, because you have a feeling Lalonde already knows.

And Rose confirms that she already knows by saying, "Oh, I'm aware- it's quite endearing, what's been revealed to me, about what Vriska should be doing here." 

"Yea- she was pretty freaked out about it all!" You say, and okay, maybe you feel a little guilty. Not because Vriska decided to be inconsiderate as shit and forgot until literally the last possible moment to get Rose a gift and then tried to pawn the majority of the work off onto you and Kanaya- that shit is totally on her and she deserves to deal with that. No, you feel a little bad, not letting her in on Rose knowing. "Think we should tell her you know?"

Rose smiles. You can hear it, because there's an impish color coloring her tone as she says, "No. I believe I'd like to see what she does."

"Damn!" You say, cackling. "That's cruel, Lalonde,"

"Not after last April Fool's." Rose says, and you can feel rather than see the mischief in her eyes. You ponder last April Fool's. Last April Fool's sure was something, alright. You didn't even think Kanaya had it in her to-

"... Point taken."


End file.
